【BLOG】Where's Risa? Risa's Apology Letter

It's been days, weeks, months since I've posted a new video or blog post, and if you've checked my blog it must've been down because of the domain. After all that, Risa has finally finally decided to open up and share what the problem is and what's going on.

Risa has been sleepless many nights feeling the guilt of just leaving all her yaoi friends without saying a word, but to explain her disappearance and to return once again to write more posts, respond to comments, and interact with you all would sadden her more and more because she abandoned you all. I've been mustering up the courage to open up and talk about what's happened to everyone, and I've been keeping a secret this whole time but I've had enough of this torture. I'm going to say it. I discussed this with Eric (my boyfriend) and he agrees that it's best for me to tell you all what has happened and to try and fix it. He tells me I'm suffering way too much over this, but you guys are all my friends and the hardest thing for me to do is to ignore you all and leave you. That's what Risa did to all of you, and Risa will never forgive herself for being such a horrible person , but she's dealing with all these feelings of regret, remorse, hate, and sadness she has it all vent up inside of her and she's going to let it out and explain herself in this post. 

Please read the story and don't read it as if it's "my excuse" for my hiatus or for leaving without saying a word...please try to listen to Risa's true feelings she's writing. I'm not trying to make this a sob story or make anyone feel bad, if anything, Risa is going to tell you all the truth because you're all my friends and I regret even thinking about disappearing without saying a word. T_T

Risa will start off by getting straight to the point, and explaining herself further on in the post. 

"I'm starting a new chapter in my life, but not closing the past chapters... "

This does NOT mean I've stopped loving yaoi, and it does not mean I will ever stop, since I've loved it ever since I was young. I thought that no one could stop me from loving what I want, and for awhile this was true, and I loved it so much I wanted to share it all with you by combining drama CDs and the manga which worked out for awhile. I loved seeing all of your reactions, and you all are the greatest friends I could ask for, the people I never had in my life. My parents are extremely strict, my brothers don't talk to me, and at school I honestly don't have many friends, but Eric's always been there for me ever since I was a little kid. He told me that if I had a passion for something, I should pursue it no matter what it was...so I told him about my love for yaoi and he was accepting of it. He's the best person I could ever ask for, and he was the one who encouraged me and supported me along the way with all of you as well! But unfortunately...video-making and editing takes up a lot of time, and balancing that with all my high school classes and challenging courses I took was difficult. My parents soon found out I was getting a D in almost every class, and one day they got a hold of my computer to "investigate' and found my channel. That (as you can imagine)...was not good at all considering how strict they were but I don't blame them for getting mad at me since I usually never keep secrets. Yaoi, I thought, was my secret obsession yet it was also a part of me so if my parents didn't accept yaoi, then they wouldn't accept me so I defended myself and you can imagine it's kind of hard to defend men having sex if you think about it.  BUT RISA LIKES IT, SO THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS! (I yelled this at them so many times I think can't keep track xD)

When I got back from school I remember them yelling at me for HOURS and in the end they even broke my laptop. I'm not sure if it was broken since my dad literally chucked it at all wall, but they took it away from me and I haven't been able to access a computer at home. They told me to focus ONLY on my school work since I have to prepare for college, and the only way I've been able to go on the internet is when I'm at Eric's house. Sometimes I go on our home computer when both of them are away at work and come back late, but that's only for an hour or so. Risa has never referred to herself as "I" that many times before. That's kind of freaking her out, but lol anyways Risa was angry at her parents for calling her disgusting and for not accepting what she has a passion for, but knew that her family was going through rough times where her mom was working multiple jobs and late night shifts to support her family since her dad's health is failing. 

That's when Risa made her decision to listen to her parents and stop video-editing but their words could not stop Risa from loving yaoi and their words made her hurt even more especially when flaggers were sending messages to Risa about how disgusting she was for posting explicit material on a sitewhere children were. Risa fought and tried to defend herself but her parent's words would always be at the back of her mind and she tried her best to be positive during these times. When Risa found out her main account was taken down...her heart was torn into many piece. She was taken down. Risa was being ripped apart and everyone was against her, including her subscribers who probably would hate her for leaving them. I couldn't tell the people I love the truth just like I couldn't tell my parents the truth because I was scared they were going to hate me. 

"The truth is something that is told between people you love. "

You shouldn't lie to them, and if you're honest about who you are and what you love, don't let anyone stop you from that. Risa loves all of you SO MUCH and didn't want to keep quiet or lie about what happened. Risa loves video-editing, but she also loves her family for taking care of her. The past is behind me, the Risa who hid behind a computer screen without expressing her interests at all made so many friends with all of you  who shared her interest of yaoi. You were the ones who helped her realize thispassion and supported her. I thank all of you for supporting me all the way. The past will always be a part of me, and I'll carry it with me as I move on. As of now my parents have become a little more understanding now, and my mom actually is starting to understand the shipping process of yaoi fangirls xD The other day I begged her so that I could watch Free! and I asked if we could watch it together. She surprised the heck out of me when she commented on how she wanted to touch their washboard abs LOL (her inner fangirl) and she told me to take a screenshot of Haruka cooking with that apron and swim suit. I did, haha and my dad walked by and kind of just shrugged his shoulders passing by. My mom and I watch that show every week, and I feel like I'm more open about who I really am to them now.

I'm going to continue posting about yaoi in this blog, and continue adding posts such as yaoi manga reccomendations/reviews, new yaoi OVAS/animes..and I hope that all of you accept Risa's apology. She really is sorry and really wants to keep making videos and is trying to find a way to continue. Her one regret is that she didn't finish the series she's been working on...she wants to try and find a way to try her best to finish it and will talk with her parents about this since it is summer time and there is no school yet. 

Thank you so much for all that you've done for me, and all of your love guys so much. Please continue to support me while I'm going through this rough time.

- -Risa Chan